If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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