3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
