So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
