see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
