I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
