If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
