Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
