The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
