I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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