my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
bring money and cleavage
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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