i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
