there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
