I puked a lego.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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