after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
