I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Four minutes until I can fart!
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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