I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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