we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
