Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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