I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
