I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
