I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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