When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
