Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
