Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
