I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
