Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
