just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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