By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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