I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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