bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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