How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
