I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
