I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
