franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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