I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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