Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
