Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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