God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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