I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
there is puke in my bra ... again
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