I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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