Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
