I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
