Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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