Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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