I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Someone came in the potted fern
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
