then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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