Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You work out of a Hotel?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
