My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
