My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
