I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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