I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
