Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How naked do you want me to be?
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