He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
